I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
