Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
This toilet bowl is my home.
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