tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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