3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
