I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
