Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
