duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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