I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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