I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
