i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
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the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
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They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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