Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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