If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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