We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
