where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
