What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
There is no way when we get home that nothing will hapen
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
