Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
