Even the bartender felt bad for me
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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