thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Sober January is a disaster.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
