i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
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