I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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