we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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