For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
