Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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