he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
