i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
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