I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
So much Jack, so little girl.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize