Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
