I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Randomize
