i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
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