apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
