i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
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