I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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