I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
