I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
We smell like vodka and hangover
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
