I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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