my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
i now understand why vodka
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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