im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
