Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
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Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
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The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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