doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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