You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
