Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
