Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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