I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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