Apparently you make a good broom.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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