I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
