Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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