HIV tests are more positive than that guy
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
