I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
