Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
