There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
