Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
