Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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