How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
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