My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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