I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
