The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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