If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.