and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
